Missing a Partner

Apr. 25th, 2019 08:06 pm
heron61: (Poly/Family)
[personal profile] heron61
So, an hour ago [personal profile] amberite and I dropped [personal profile] teaotter off at the airport - she's going to a yearly conference for testifying experts in Las Vegas, and will be back in 50 hours, which isn't long at all, but is always somewhat stressful for me. I love both [personal profile] amberite & [personal profile] teaotter deeply, and they are both definitely my primary partners, and as far as I can tell, I don't do secondary or tertiary partners - If I deeply and truly love someone and consider them family, and they love me back, they're my primary partner.

However, my relationships to the two of them are (unsurprisingly) somewhat different. [personal profile] amberite is far more of an indoor-outdoor cat, and loves to travel far more than [personal profile] teaotter or I, so I am more comfortable with them not being around for a few days, or even a week or two at a time. OTOH, [personal profile] teaotter is in some ways the center of my universe and my heart, and while I'm fine with not seeing her for a day, longer than that always feels wrong and I miss her a lot.

Fortunately, this is busy time, I have a fair amount of work for today and tomorrow, some good books to read when I'm done, and [personal profile] amberite to spend time with when they are around. Then, on Friday evening, we're going to a Passover Seder with dear friends, and on Saturday late morning, my awesome new friend [personal profile] alatefeline is coming over to visit, and that night [personal profile] teaotter will be back, which will be wonderful.

Spring! + Musings on Future Desserts

Apr. 24th, 2019 08:53 pm
heron61: (Default)
[personal profile] heron61
Today was a lovely Spring day. I had a lovely walk to the store, and on the way back I stopped by the blueberry bushes growing on either side of the path between the 4 condos of which ours is one. The blueberry flowers appear to be doing very well. In roughly 3 months there will be an abundance of blueberries. Leaving some for others, I typically still manage to collect 3-4 quarts, and each quart yields one dessert, typically one blueberry-vanilla pie, made with a GF/DF crust, or perhaps a similarly allergen friendly blueberry buckle.

Blueberry bushes a few feet from our house

Musings on Autism and Genetic Tests

Apr. 24th, 2019 02:49 am
heron61: (Emphasis and strong feeling)
[personal profile] heron61
Today, I encountered an article about prenatal genetic tests for autism, and reading it made me sad. Also, before I go on, I am not autistic, and while I have tried to educate myself about the issues involved, I know this topic is fraught and apologize in advance profusely for any offense I may cause anyone.

In any case, it’s all too clear to me that if tests like these become even vaguely reliable and widely available, the number of autistic children will greatly decrease, and that upsets me. In addition to two people I care about very deeply being autistic, from knowing them and several other autistic people I’ve known, I have seen similarities in keen perception, profound honesty, fierce morality, and uncommon forms of wisdom that are notably rarer among neurotypical people. Obviously, all autistic people are not the same, but some of the traits I’ve noted seem exceedingly positive, and I believe the world would be a lesser place with many fewer such people in it.

That said, I also understand that many autistic people have a far more difficult time in life than either the people I know or most neurotypical people. It’s entirely unclear to me is this is partly or mostly due to variations in severity of autism symptoms, some of the various problematic medical conditions notably more common in autistic people, or abusive treatment by parents and educators, but it’s also clear to me that treatments or cures for many of the associated medical conditions would be a very good thing indeed.

Beyond that, as an ardent and seriously progressive transhumanist, my ideal world is one where all forms of functional cognitive architecture are respected and valued, and ultimately one where people can alter their own cognitive architecture in both the short and long term. Studies involving transcranial electrical and magnetic stimulation indicate that this later goal is possible, but also that we have a vast amount to learn before we can use it reliably.

As a side-note, and for people interested in learning more about both autism and the history of medicine surrounding it, I recommend NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity by Steve Silberman, which is not an awesome book, but is a good one.

Today

Apr. 23rd, 2019 03:03 pm
heron61: (Gryphon - emphasis and strong feelings)
[personal profile] heron61
I had my first counseling appointment today, which seemed to go well, and will hopefully help me deal with the various sorts of stress I'm now facing. Speaking of stress, yesterday I made a reservation to see my parents on June 3 - June 7, which pleases me not at all, but seems useful for keeping the peace. I'm considering skipping GenCon this year simply so that I don't have to visit them again.

In happier news, when I was walking to the bus stop, I saw someone walk by with an awesome t-shirt that said "My pronouns haven't even been invented yet", which made me happy and seemed a good omen for the day. I got home and googled that phrase, and found the above link to buy the t-shirt, along with that fact that it's by genderqueer activist, poet, and spoken word artist Andrea Gibson, who I'd never previously heard of before, but looks to write very shiny stuff.

Here's a spoken word piece of their's that I found quite powerful:
Also, in honor of national poetry month, here's one I found online that I quite liked.
click here for poem )

Mid week Anti Procrastination Time!

Apr. 23rd, 2019 01:52 am
peaceful_sands: butterfly (Default)
[personal profile] peaceful_sands posting in [community profile] bitesizedcleaning
It's Tuesday and despite the ridiculously early hour, I figure now is as good a time as any to make a post to encourage us all to stop procrastinating and get stuff done.

For those who set goals for April, the end of month check in post will appear (all being well) this weekend, so now might be a really good time to take a quick look at your goals for the month and see if you could deal with any of the targets beforehand - a chance to refocus your efforts and hit those targets before month end.

My challenge to you is to spend a spoon appropriate amount of time over the next couple of days working on your monthly targets. If you didn't set a goal this month, I encourage to find a work surface in need of cleaning and to spend 5 - 10 minutes working on the clutter there.

Good luck everyone, have a great week.

Update - Today Looking Up

Apr. 22nd, 2019 12:43 pm
heron61: (hopeful cat)
[personal profile] heron61
I haven't been awake that long, but things are definitely looking up. I woke up after 4 hours of sleep, but managed to get back to sleep for a total of almost 7 - I'll see if I can manage to get to sleep earlier tonight, but definitely a step in the right direction. Then, my email contained a note about my book out for approvals:
"A few more small comments, but consider this approved!"
So, that's a vast load off my mind.

Then my mom called, which filled me with terror and anxiety. She was in tears, and apologized profusely - I think this makes something like the 4th or 5th time in my entire life she has apologized to me. She wants me to come out on June 3 - June 7, which I'm not eager for at all, but I'll do it. It's troubling and strange to realize that because she's entirely alone (my parents have no local friends and both are only children, so they also have no other remotely close relatives), that she can no longer afford to abuse me w/o consequences.

Also, I just called back the counselor that left me a voice mail on Friday, and I have an appointment tomorrow at 11 am - it's a bit early for me, but I'll schedule the others later.

Hopefully, the day will continue well.

General Update + Parent Stress

Apr. 22nd, 2019 01:12 am
heron61: (Heron - About Me)
[personal profile] heron61
I’m so tired I’m slightly dizzy. On Friday, I made my plane tickets to see my parents from June 3 - June 7, amidst conflicting messages from my mother about how I needed to come visit, but that coming to visit that far after my dad’s birthday (May 11) was completely unacceptable, and I should visit earlier. I didn’t mention [personal profile] teaotter and I visiting our dear friends in Oakland from May 16-22, and I will need to lie about this during my daily phone calls to my mom then, because that wouldn’t serve as an excuse, but simply as another reason to attack me, just as she had attacked me for wanting to spend the time around Mother’s Day with [personal profile] teaotter due to her mother dying last year at that time.

In any case, early Friday evening, I was just about to call my mom back and ask her straight out if I should cancel the tickets, and just before I picked up my phone, she called me and complained more about the tickets, so I cancelled them (in time for a full refund, yay). I have no idea when I’ll be visiting either around then or in August, since one of my mom’s threats was saying that I couldn’t come out in August if I didn’t visit in May, meaning I’d need to foot plane flight to GenCon myself, rather than flying to see them and then flying to GenCon and heading home. Flying from Portland to Indianapolis rather a lot of money for me - more than I can currently afford. At this point, I think I’m willing to miss GenCon. I have friends that I like among the various gaming industry people, and I get work there, but I get work in other ways too, and I’m simply not sure that going it worth the emotional stress with my parents, unless that’s the only visit I do this Summer. OTOH, that may work, we shall see.

In any case, I was a complete mess on Saturday, and my awesome partner [personal profile] amberite figured out that handling stuff with my parents, and the fact that I effectively have a separate persona/interaction mode for dealing with them, that had been getting increasingly frantic was the reason I was so messed up. That provided me with much needed clarity.

Then, today, I went over to see my amazing new friend [personal profile] alatefeline, and kept them company as they cleaned and organized their space. After that, I talked about my parents with them, and they were utterly drop dead amazing at providing insights and most of all, much needed comfort. It was a lovely and wonderful visit, and then the two of us went out for ice cream with [personal profile] amberite, which was also wonderful. [personal profile] teaotter was writing fanfic and has been erratic in a variety of ways trying to get her supplements to all function together, and seemed slightly better tonight, but also far from full functionality, which is stressful to her, me, and [personal profile] amberite. Among other things, [personal profile] alatefeline helped me realize that while if my parents weren't rich, and thus an upcoming source of money needed money, I'd cease letting my mom try to control me, and I'd also only call every few weeks and would visit a Christmas and no other time, but that I wouldn't cut them out of my lives, which is not a comfortable thing to realize about abusive parents, but is very useful to know.

I often think of myself as rather morally "flexible", I know that the rules that I live by are rather eccentric, and I often do not consider myself a good person, but after that conversation with [personal profile] alatefeline, I wonder if I actually am.

In any case, I got home many hours ago, and have done little, until recently when I realized exactly how exhausted I am, which I hope is a good sign. My mom has been exceedingly vicious for more than a week, and during that time I haven’t managed to sleep more than 5 ½-6 ½ hours a night – regardless of when I go to bed, I wake up that many hours later and can’t get back to sleep, along with having something resembling hot flashes when I wake up (many medical tests, combined with observation clearly showed there’s nothing going on with me except stress). Both of these serious stress symptoms that first showed up more than a year ago, after I became exceptionally upset about our semi-nazi government, and they got worse whenever I visited my parents and when Becca’s mom died and Becca went to the funeral.

In any case, what was different this time was something I haven’t had for well more than a decade – before now, I wasn’t tired despite not having nearly enough sleep for more than a week. I didn’t feel good, but I felt completely alert, and that’s over. Between help and comfort from [personal profile] amberite and [personal profile] alatefeline, I’m at long last completely exhausted (or am at least aware of this fact). I’m a bit scared to get to sleep because I worry about waking up too soon again, despite what I’ve been taking to help me stay asleep, and I’m also deeply troubled that I need to talk to my mom again tomorrow, but I’m also taking my tiredness as a very good sign indeed.

On the positive side, I’ve been looking for a counselor, and after several places having no openings or no opening for someone taking my insurance, I finally got a call back on Saturday, to call someone tomorrow to set up an appointment, so that makes me nervous too, but it’s also a very good thing (I hope).

Also, not only is one book back for approvals again (crosses fingers), but I also both got my writing on my current project done for this week, as well as ¼ of my writing on that books done for next week, so I’m close to finished, and don’t need to work very hard next week. One ability I’m deeply thankful I possess is the ability to turn extreme stress into solid productivity – I don’t end up any less stressed, but I do at least get necessary things done. In the coming week, I shall work and read novels next week, and attempt to relax.

Weekend Cheering

Apr. 20th, 2019 09:16 am
semielliptical: text: Home (home)
[personal profile] semielliptical posting in [community profile] bitesizedcleaning
Holidays occurring for some this weekend; is that influencing your cleaning plans? What are your goals, if any? Comment and we'll cheer each other along!

I want to:

- wash the dishes
- clean the bathroom
- organize and put away yarn and supplies from recent projects

Along with setting goals, how are you going to break up your tasks and/or make them more do-able?

I will listen to an audiobook while cleaning, and plan to spread out my tasks over the day today, with time for some tv-watching and catching up on emails.

Books to Savor - Paladin of Souls

Apr. 20th, 2019 02:00 am
heron61: (Books)
[personal profile] heron61
Most books I read quite fast. In college, I discovered that I could read novels so fast that I swiftly forgot what happened, although I enjoyed the process of reading. I remember reading Patricia McKillip's Harpest In The Wind, and realizing at the end of it, I had little memory of what had occurred. So, I taught myself to read a bit more slowly and retain what I read better, but I still read most novels quite rapidly - just not as rapidly as before. However, that's not how I read all books. Some few, like [personal profile] graydon's brilliant Commonweal novels are for slow and careful reading, as I attempt to extract all the complex wonder and fascinating ideas from them.

However, there's also a rarer pleasure found in some books, I read them slowly to savor them and fall into them. Nina Kiriki Hoffman's The Red Heart of Memories and Past the Size of Dreaming are novels like this, and so is Lois McMaster Bujold's Paladin of Souls. My awesome new friend [personal profile] alatefeline loaned me this book, and told me it was one of their favorites - I now see why.

Although this week had too much work, with both writing about dragons and revising the book I'm developing, I found a bit of time for reading, and read the last third of the book tonight. It is a lovely book. It's not one of those with brilliant new ideas, and I was familiar with the setting from Bujold's quite good Penric novellas. Instead, it a book that focuses on its characters and their choices, and above all on the protagonist and her choices and her life. I wholeheartedly recommend it.

LGBTQA Characters On TV

Apr. 19th, 2019 04:21 am
heron61: (Default)
[personal profile] heron61
More than a decade ago, I came up with a prediction for the sorts of action + soap opera shows that the CW is noted for, and that I watch far too many of. That concept is called “TV Bi” – the idea is that once we get past most of the homophobia in both our culture and in producers and writers of mass media, then later versions of shows like Buffy or The Vampire Diaries will have many bi characters, because the potential for romance (and the all too common and annoying jealousy plot lines) will greatly increase, since every character could be interested in every other character. I expect this to eventually catch on in a major way.

I couldn’t find a post about this to link to, but I found this one on stages of media acceptance of subcultures, which is relevant, and based on Vito Russo’s brilliant book The Celluloid Closet.

So, I’ve seen what may be the precursor of this, on the CW now less, with the character of Michael in Roswell New Mexico. He’s a male bisexual character who is interested in two of the other major characters (one man and one woman, who are also best friends), and it’s well done and interesting. The other characters on the show are also well done, sadly, the show is quite terrible. The writers can craft good dialog and the actors are pretty good, but the plot is beyond dreadful – it drags on, it’s dumb as a bag of hair, and if the characters weren’t good, [personal profile] teaotter and I would have stopped watching it.

In any case, acceptance of media subcultures has definitely changed since I wrote the above link in 2003. Now, almost every show I watch has at least one gay, bi, or lesbian character, and I’m watching two shows with transsexual protagonists played by trans actors (Supergirl, with Nia Nal, and Pose, which has several trans characters). It’s nice to occasionally look back and notice the progress.

Work + My Cat

Apr. 18th, 2019 02:50 am
heron61: (Cats)
[personal profile] heron61
I'm done with my revisions on the book I have out for approval, but I'll be checking it tomorrow before I send it in. Doing this, and doing my normal workload for the project I'm currently writing has been exhausting, but I'm done and checking it over won't take long, and my part of the Dragons book remains well on schedule, if not a bit ahead.

However, what I'm mostly thinking about is my cat Josie (pictured here). She's not the brightest creature - our kitchen (where all three cats get fed) has 2 doors. The other cats know that if they see one door closed to go to the other one. Josie just sits in front of the closed door - although perhaps this is due to her bossy personality rather than limited intelligence, since I then either pick her up and carry her (a process she enjoys) to the open door, or open the closed door.

However, one of her oddest behaviors is something I've never seen another cat do. When we feed them, they all typically run in, and both Flash and Button start eating. More than half the time, including tonight, Josie stops and stares at the eating cats, then she stares at her food, approaches it, again looks at the other cats eating, and then starts eating. Tonight, she was sleeping and came in late, and the other cats were done eating, and she still stared at the other food bowls and at where the other cats would be.

We regularly joke that Josie is either an alien who needs to be reminded how to pass as a cat, or that she is somehow baffled by the sight of food, despite her being the biggest eater (and largest cat) of our three. We also regularly narrate this process "What are they doing? What's that in the bowls? Are they eating? Oh, hey cat food."

Ugh

Apr. 17th, 2019 12:44 pm
heron61: (Heron - About Me)
[personal profile] heron61
I was starting to feel better about my crappy yesterday, and my mother called again, talking about how disappointed I wouldn't be coming until early June (2.5 weeks after when she wanted me to come) and how it's so long and also so close to my next visit in August, maybe I just shouldn't come for either visit. Thanks gods I haven't bought my ticket yet. Part of me is happily grasping at straws that I won't have to go, while I also know that if I don't, I'll be nagged about it for months or years, and I might not get to go to GenCon, and my mom will likely find other consequences.

OTOH, I really don't want to give in and go earlier, since it takes me weeks to brace myself for visiting them, and always has, and also [personal profile] teaotter and I will be going to visit dear friends in Oakland in late May - which I'll need to keep secret from my mom or I'd be nagged about visiting friends when I should be visiting my parents. I'm exceedingly sick of my mother, and am halfway considering canceling that trip and visiting my mom when [personal profile] teaotter visits our friends just so I won't have to deal with the current level of my mom's hostility.

Injury Healing and Mad Science

Apr. 16th, 2019 02:45 am
heron61: (Science!)
[personal profile] heron61
[personal profile] amberite is an awesome mad scientist wizard who has again greatly helped me. Click for very mild body TMI and a story of how mad science is curing it )

Pronoun Pin

Apr. 15th, 2019 05:02 pm
heron61: (Heron - About Me)
[personal profile] heron61
I borrowed [personal profile] amberite's "They, Them, Theirs" pronoun pin today and put it on my coat when I walked out to the store. No one commented on it, or possibly even noticed it, but I did not myself being slightly nervous when stepping out of the house. I'm reminded of when I started deciding to dress more femme and flamboyantly 30+ years ago - the nervousness of presenting "me" in some true and accurate sense in public, and while new additions to this will almost certainly continue to produce nervousness, it's always been worth it. It's time to get my own pin.
heron61: (Heron - About Me)
[personal profile] heron61
I'm deeply amused that after recently announcing a pronoun change, I'm announcing a name change, at least in person, but it is for entirely different and unrelated reasons. As has likely been apparent to anyone reading my journal, I'm having increasing difficulty with and decreasing tolerance for my mother, and no longer wish to share a last name with either of my parents. For issues of inheritance, I'll likely wait until I inherit to change it legally, but I'd dearly love for everyone to call me John Heron in person.

Heron has also been my name for 27 years - when I had my first Wiccan initiation in late 1992, I needed to pick a magical name. Almost everyone else in my coven used the names of various deities, but I specifically did not want a gendered magical name. At the time, I had no concept of non-binary or transgender - back then my world consisted of cis men, cis women, transmen, transwomen, and me - at the time, I identified as a sissy and a fop, but the idea of choosing the name of a male deity bothered me a whole lot in a fashion that I had difficulty describing or understanding.

In any case, I was at the beach at Santa Monica one night, I think it was after going to see the Cirque du Soleil, and I was talking about magical names with two friends I'd gone to the performance with, and was entirely frustrated, since nothing I thought of seemed to fit. Then, I saw a night heron walking along the beach. While I have always had greater affection for and been more drawn to great blue herons, I considered that a useful sign, and instantly choose Heron as my magical name, and have always been very happy with it.

However, getting called Heron as a first name always felt weird, and also reminds me of my interactions with the creepy angelkin cult back in early 2004 that some few of you may remember - they called me Heron w/o prompting and refused to call me anything else, so I'll never be using that name. However, I had a dear friend spontaneously call me John Heron a decade ago, and I quite liked it.

Since it's vividly clear that I'm in another time of changes, and have more than sufficient reason to abandon my last name, it feels like the time to do this. I'll handle announcements of using this as my writing name more carefully, because I am in the odd (for me at least) position of having fans, and I most definitely want them to be able to continue finding my work. Thankfully, I have a good friend who is an RPG author who changed both her first and last name a few years ago, and continues to be popular, so I'll be getting advice.

Work Going Well

Apr. 14th, 2019 03:26 pm
heron61: (Gryphon - emphasis and strong feelings)
[personal profile] heron61
For me every writing project follows a similar timetable, regardless of length or topic - it takes me a while to get into it, and for a while writing goes slowly and painfully. Then, I hit a break-though point, and writing goes much faster, until I'm almost at the end, when I start having to fill in bits I've overlooked and craft the thing into a coherent whole (or a series of coherent wholes, for projects that are distinctly modular). Both due to feels both related and unrelated to this project, and also both the distraction of unrelated developer duties and stomach troubles and other minor but annoying health weirdness, this project has been like pulling teeth for a bit more than a week, which sucks for something that I could normally write and edit into a solid first draft in 3 weeks. However, last night I wrote 1,000 words in slightly more than an hour, and I am fairly certain that I've hit the breakthrough point for this project, which gave me a definite feeling of relief.
amberite: Sollux Captor, a Homestuck troll with grey skin, warm-colored horns and one red and one blue eye, depicted as an adolescent. He's peering out from behind his (also red and blue) glasses. The expression on his face is fearful, curious and determined. (Default)
[personal profile] amberite
Happy 4/13, fellow 'stucks. Have some ongoing longfic.

~~~

Wires and Stars: Apotheosis Ch. 3: I'm living in an age whose name I don't know

Summary:


Astris Captor, the Psiioniic and once the Helmsman, tries flying outside the hive with Sollux, and also interacting with other trolls. Not all of these things go equally well.

~~~
Preview:

You grip his wrist and pull yourself to standing, shivering as you uncramp your legs, and you know he's right, that you've spent as long as it is wise for you to stay in a place that belongs even in some small part to death, that you are vulnerable even when you don't feel it.

Chapter content notes: flying, mourning, social awkwardness, PTSD, emotional regulation problems.
Thanks to 
[personal profile] alatefeline for advice in progress & a place to post from - and happy birthday!


 

Weekend Cheering

Apr. 13th, 2019 12:36 pm
semielliptical: text: Home (home)
[personal profile] semielliptical posting in [community profile] bitesizedcleaning
Hi there! What do you need (or want) to do around the house this weekend? I'm going to do some routine cleaning, and also at least one more interesting task. So far my plan is:

- clean the bathroom
- sort out and recycle packaging from orders that arrived earlier this week
- go through all of my running medals and identify those I don't need to keep
- pick up odd items lying around the guest room

Let us know your plan, and how it's going, I'll be back for updates and cheering!

Ambition Both Large & Small

Apr. 13th, 2019 12:58 am
heron61: (Heron - About Me)
[personal profile] heron61
Work Both Large & Small
My awesome partner [personal profile] amberite wrote this impressively thought provoking post, which naturally got me thinking. I long ago realized that that while I admire and am often drawn to people who aspire to do large, flashy, and impressive things, I am not such a person (here's a discussion of a wonderful book that helped me better understand this tendency). Instead, like my partner [personal profile] teaotter, my first goal is to be happy and to lead a comfortable life where I can bring joy to the people I know well and care about, and where my own life brings me joy.

I aspire to more than this, but only in limited, and frankly timid ways. In part, this is simply because my relationship to ambition and the purpose of my life is somewhat uncommon and very unlike [personal profile] amberite's. That said, I also understand I have notably more ability to influence others than many, because I write RPGs that see reasonably wide distribution. I try to use this access for good. I find violence troubling and the urge to commit violence or to enjoy violence, including watching media violence, to be baffling, and thus I try to include options in games for action heroism that looks more like firefighters, alien first contact teams, archeologists, and search & rescue workers than soldiers or assassins. Similarly, I attempt to depict worlds worth protecting, because I think ours is and see that the urge to protect and nurture is far too often less well regarded than the urge to destroy. I also try to depict positive or heroic societies in ways that I consider to be actually positive and heroic.

I am not flashy in this. Much of the reason is that I'm simply not a flashy writer, but to a small extent it's on purpose. I do not hide my opinions, but I also avoid setting myself up as a target. I sometimes feel sad that while I have numerous fans in the RPG community, I’m nothing like a “big name”, and can’t see any likelihood that I ever will be. In part large, this is simply because my tastes in both rules and settings are somewhat eccentric, but it’s also that I avoid boldly presenting “grand new ideas” and do not try to reshape gaming. That’s not what I’m interested in, nor what I’m particularly good at. Instead, I build off of others’ ideas, and I excel at matching my writing style and the style of my world building and mechanics to the project at hand. I’m not flashy, but I like to think that I’m often somewhat indispensable.

I also don’t make bold statements and do not seek too much attention. I saw a good friend who became a G-G target effectively stop writing fiction for several years because the harassment she got. Being white and widely perceived as male provides me with a fair amount of protection from this, and I something think I should do and say more, but I have also seen all manner of people become targets of hate.

I am also vividly aware that on rare occasions I can be seriously impressive, and could perhaps cultivate this, but I also know doing so would not be comfortable, both due to my social anxiety, and the simple fact of burning that brightly casts shadows, and these days there are lots of angry shadows out there. Also, I think learning to burn like that in any remotely controllable fashion would be difficult for me.

Ultimately, one thing I know I can do is support, nurture, and reassure those people I care about who are both sufficiently skilled and sufficiently brave and able to become highly visible, while working in many small ways myself.

(no subject)

Apr. 12th, 2019 05:43 pm
amberite: Animated gif of the blogger cosplaying Prince Brand of Amber, in a green cloak and shifty expression, captioned 'My present motives... are almost entirely altruistic.' (Brand of Amber)
[personal profile] amberite
I feel like I'm not ready to be 35 and that's mostly my own fault.
 
I feel like all the Large Things I need to do in the world, because they are creative work - creative work involving spirituality and sexuality, no less! - ultimately require the kind of social exposure I'm afraid of, and that most of my experiences have shown me that my fears are not baseless, and have been growing less baseless every year.

My life is set up in such a way that it is easiest to go on operating at half strength and taming the sharp splintery parts of my brain so they won't blow anything up, distracting myself and calming myself down with video games and weed, and I set it up that way myself as a safety mechanism. It's been a good safety mechanism. But I don't want to end with an epitaph that says "kept themself safe."
 
I'm aware of the bargains I've made, that I've been doing good in small ways where I can, and specifically in ways where I don't and won't get the credit for it except by scattered pseudonyms, but there's a cost in existential despair.
 
I don't want to quietly go down with this ship (meaning the US, mostly) but I'm scared of being the raw sharp version of myself that could maybe take steps towards not doing that, not being that.

I don't want to be hated, and I know that any greater work I could do, any opening of the doors beyond the small portals I'm able and willing to interface through, would make some people hate me, some of them rightfully; I don't want to blow up what's good in my life and the lives of the people around me, so I've just been.... eating the cost of my doubled consciousness. Turning my volume knob down and not taking the risks and...

This connects to another conversation I've had, about why it is that the Church teaches people not to be like Jesus. 

Anyway, I'm posting this here because I want to hear what other people think, whether it's words of wisdom or advice, or just "that sure is a thing, isn't it?"

All my love.

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